I’m heading down the road, with my mind focused on the day ahead, feeling pretty good. Then, BAM! A song comes on that catches me off-guard. And feelings roll in. Then the waterfall of tears follows. Sometimes they’re happy, sometimes they’re painful. But it’s the music that gets us, that touches us, when we’re least prepared. When we think we’re doing okay.
So many of our friends have shared songs with me. Songs that they think will speak to me, that remind them of Chris or my struggle, that inspire them, or that tear them up. And it occurred to me that I’m the only one that gets the benefit of hearing those songs. Of hearing all of the songs that remind others of Chris, that speak to them in different ways. That needs to change.
So here are all of the songs that have been shared with me or the songs that have brought the feels for me. Some are uplifting, some are not. Some are Christian, some are not. But all bring the emotion. Hard. Listen to a few when you need to, and maybe each will bring you to a better place in our shared grief. Because we’re on this path together.
This was the first song shared by a friend of ours, after we released the news. It was so perfectly simple that we chose to play it during the loop of pictures at his service.
NeedtoBreathe: “More Heart, Less Attack”
The song they seem to be playing on repeat these days on country stations. And the perfect song to Chris, from our friends.
Cole Swindell: “You Should Be Here”
The song that caught his best friend off-guard. Because it was written by the songwriter after he’d also lost a friend.
Chris’ favorite song, and the one I realized a little too late I should have played at his service. (FYI: This link is one of the few that is actually Garth singing. And if you’re a Garth purist, like me, you’re not going to like this version. In fact, I recommend you pull out your Double Live album instead.)
The final song at his service. I found it on his phone, and felt like I was listening to a pep talk from him.
A friend of mine frequently takes time to share each song with me that speaks to her. She’s amazing. Because all of these share so many emotions I’ve had. Exactly.
Hillary Scott & the Scott Family: “Thy Will Be Done”
Casting Crowns: “Just Be Held”
Jason Gray: “Remind Me of Who I Am”
Found this one by accident. But probably not.
Matthew West: “Save a Place For Me”
This one got me on the way to work one day. I’m not sure what struck me, but it made me so happy that I burst into tears. But they were painful tears. Of joy. Strangest emotion I’ve ever felt.
A song shared by one of Chris’ friends, and as he stated, a “trigger point” for him.
JJ Grey & Mofro: “Light a Candle”
I have a hard time identifying with a lot of Christian songs. They’re sappy or cheesy, or just not my language. But this was the final song of worship at the first service I went to after Chris died. And it got me. In the gut. In the heart. I cried on a friend’s shoulder, right there during service. Then got up and went back to serving in the coffee shop.
And on that day, when my strength is failing, the end draws near, and my time has come. Still my soul will sing your praise unending. 10,000 years and then forevermore.
If you didn’t know Chris had a heart the size of Jupiter, you probably didn’t know him well. He loved songs that made him feel “all the feels”. Me, not so much. But that was Chris, and a reason we loved him so. This song particularly, written by a teenager struggling with an un-treatable cancer, really moved Chris. He loved it, listened to it all the time, because he felt so compassionate and inspired by Zach’s situation. Now, when I hear it, I’m reminded what it means to “the heart”, and I feel a little closer to Chris. Even if he’s already in the clouds.
I’m sure there will be other songs that we come across. They’ll hit us out of the blue, when we’re least expecting it. And all the emotions will come flooding back. And that’s okay. One of the greatest lessons we learned from Chris: It’s okay to feel, it’s okay to care, it’s okay to have a heart. But most importantly, don’t be afraid to allow others to see your compassion, and your heart.
A Belle Abroad 