I have a lot of questions for God.  More than I ever thought I would.  I am not angry at Him for the path I am on, nor for Chris no longer being a part of our lives.  Nor for the list of other things we are all now dealing with.  But I do have a number of questions.  Most of those questions can be summarized in one short, overly simple, but confounding sentence.

Why?

I have some theories of my own; some ideas as to what the purpose of all this, and what good may come of it.  I have ideas about why some events are necessary, why paths are curving in odd ways, and why there seems to be an abundance of suffering, all happening at once.  Some of my theories may even be correct in the end.

But the truth is that it’s not my right to know why.  I am not entitled to answers or His understanding.  It is not my role to know the bigger picture.  It is God’s, and only God’s.  And as tough as that is to accept, it is necessary – even crucial – that I accept this one simple fact.  I may never know why.  It is not my right to know why.  And that’s okay.  Because it’s not my role to know everything, and to know why.

My role is not to have all the answers, to understand all of the reasons, and comprehend the bigger picture behind it all.  My role is much simpler.  Much more succinct.  My role is much less confounding, much less abstract, much easier to fathom.

My role is me.

My role is to make time to talk to God.  Or at least be silent with Him.  My role is to serve the needs of others to the best of my ability.  My role is to learn to speak with kindness to everyone I meet.  My role is to walk with goodness, kindness, compassion, and (sigh) patience.  My role is building my relationship with God, to learn from His son, and to use Him as my example in being the best possible version of myself I can be, in the time I have on Earth.  That is my role.  Have you met me?  That’s a big role.  I have a lot of work to do.

And I don’t need to understand every single reason behind all of God’s ways to do this.  I don’t even understand basic Physics, nevermind more complicated matters, like the mind of God.  That’s for God to understand.  That’s for God to deal with.  That’s God’s role.

No, my role is me.  And understanding that I am only responsible for me helps a lot.

It means that I’m only responsible for my decisions, and no one else’s.

It means I only have control over my actions, and no one else’s.

It means I can only control my attitude, and not that of others.

It means I am only responsible for my own emotions, and not the emotions of those around me.

It means I can only control my perception of others, but not necessarily others’ perceptions of me.

It means at the end of the day, when I reflect back on every moment, I can only take responsibility for my own actions, emotions, reactions, thoughts, and words.  Just mine.  No one else’s.

It means I am responsible for what I do with the cards I am dealt.  How I react, how I adjust, how I move forward.

That is my role.  My role is the right size for me – the perfect size for me.  Because my role is me.