Do you ever hear a song and are immediately taken back in time, to a single moment, or a feeling?  It’s like a time capsule that takes us back to a single memory in time like nothing else can.  Or take us back to an emotion.  And when you hear it, everything stops – except you and that song.  Funny how songs can be so powerful that way.  Maybe it’s the hypnotic melody.  Maybe it’s the perfect string of lyrics woven together.  Maybe it’s the effortless way a word sung portrays a wider array of emotions than the same word spoken.  Or maybe it’s just the fact that, along with driving and all sports, I’m awful at singing.

But as of April 24, it will have been a year since we lost Chris Wall.  I cannot describe for you the pain.  I cannot describe for you the frustration.  I cannot describe for you the extensive number of emotions I have felt, even on a daily basis, since that day.

But these songs can.

So as another letter to Chris, here is My Year in Review, via the songs that have said it better than I can.

Dear Chris,

It’s been a year, and yet I still can’t believe you’re gone.  Maybe that’s why I’ve made it such a “Record Year“.  Maybe I’m still in disbelief.

I’m sure this isn’t what you anticipated at “7 Years” old.  I remember it rained a lot in the days after.  I imagined that being your “Tears in Heaven“.  I don’t know if you saw it coming.    Your planning says you did.  Our last day together says you did.  But I didn’t.  Maybe you just always knew you’d go first…

How was the trip on the “Stairway to Heaven“?  Mike & I considered playing it at your service, but in the end, decided you wouldn’t approve.  I remember reminding myself that at least you were finally pain free.  But I’m sure it still pained you to leave us so soon.  I could feel it – for a while at least.

Me, well, you know how that’s gone.  On the outside, I’ve been the “Comeback Kid“.  All “Eye of the Tiger“, “Fire Away“, bring-it-on kind of attitude.

…We both know I’m so broken.

I miss hearing you tell me I look “Wonderful Tonight“.  Remember when I walked down the aisle to that?  You cried – we saw you.  I guess our recessional, “God Blessed the Broken Road“, means something a little different now, too.

“My Church” has become something different than it was.  I’m trying to cope by using a “Saltwater Gospel“.  Mostly, I just like to sit on the beach and stare out at the waves, imagining you’re happily deep sea fishing, just beyond my line of sight.

Have you been looking down on me, proudly humming “My Girl“?  I’d like to think so, with all the pieces you and God are making fit together for me.  Sometimes I wonder if you’re fulfilling your promises even after death, taking “I Cross My Heart” across that eternal dividing line.

I try not to think about how much I “Wish You Were Here“.  Team Hoss is getting together, in your memory.  All your “Friends in Low Places” miss you, and want to celebrate you.  It goes without saying…”You Should Be Here“.

I’m glad you walked away experiencing “The Dance“.  You did such an amazing job while you were here.  And don’t you see how much your influence is living on?  I hope you’re at least looking back at your life in reflection, thinking to yourself, “I Lived“, and just hoping the same for me.

But you know where I am these days.  Looking for a “Parachute” to catch me from my free fall.  You were “More Heart, Less Attack“, and I’m still struggling to not be the opposite.  Or at least to not depend on a “Vice“.

I’ll never get “Over You“.  That’s not even in the realm of possibilities.  I know I am so blessed to have been loved and adored by a man like you.  Even still, “I Could Use a Love Song” these days.  I often wonder if you were the only man “Strong Enough” to handle me.   But I assume you’ll nudge the right person to walk in, at the right time, when we’re all ready for that.  We both know I’m no good at it.  Maybe you’ll even find someone to help me to become the woman you always saw in me.  So when I do “See You Again“, I’ll be a better version of myself.  For you.

So…continue to “Lift Me Up” with your memories and your planning.  And “Remind Me Who I Am“.  Thank you for not using my dreams more…that one time was rough.

We always knew “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful“; we’d experienced enough to at least know that.  But please be at peace in knowing that I have “No Regrets” about our time together.  Not one.  And neither should you.

We love you.  And we miss you, and your ability to be a “Simple Man“. Thank you for being the man that you were, and for inspiring us all to be a little better ourselves.

Until I see you again…”Somewhere Over the Rainbow“…

I love you.  Always,

Katie