A friend once said, “I don’t have life rules: I’ll just break them.”

I like surrounding myself with people like her:  who have deep thoughts in short sentences.  Helps me process the deepness a little easier.

And I think this is the thought that keeps coming back to me every time I sit down to write.  I’ll draft a blog post, write it, edit it, come back to it before publishing, as I always do.  And then I think, “But, what if I don’t show that?  What if I don’t exemplify these thoughts?  What if I become my own hypocrite?  What if I break my own rules?”

So I haven’t published anything recently.  Bleh to analysis paralysis, right?

But it’s legitimate.  Let me prove it to you.

Over the last few months, I’ve introduced more and more people to John, aka the wonderful man I call mine.

Now, I can write post after post about how wonderful he is, and patient he is, and how much he loves all the pieces of me that you, and I, and my family love too – the broken pieces, the healed pieces, the sassy pieces, etc.  And you’ll say to yourself, “Ooooh, I can’t WAIT to meet him!”

So a few at a time, I’ve introduced him to friends and family and so on.

But more than once, I’ve heard people admit to me after, “I wasn’t ready.  I don’t think I was ready to see you with someone else.”

If you’re gasping right now, close your mouth.  I love you, but that’s how flies get in.

If you’re nodding right now, I love you, too.  Hang on, and you’ll nod harder in a minute.

And if you’re crying right now, well, I love you, your emotions, and whatever mascara and sweat designs you’re making on your face now.  Go get a Kleenex and come back.

Time for truth bombs, loves.

1.)  Grief Has No Timeline

My timeline, and your timeline, and anyone else’s timelines are not the same.  However long it takes me has nothing to do with how long it takes you.  Grief is personal, almost unforgivingly so.

For me, I knew this process would be absolute torture.  Actually, (and I laugh at myself for this now), one of the first questions I asked was, “How long is this going to take?”  I sat right beside a fellow widower who lost his wife a few years before, looked him right in the eye only days after losing Chris, and said, “Look, how long is this going to take?”  He was classy enough not to laugh in my face at my naivety: most superintendents are that way.  But he answered honestly with, “A lot longer than you think.  Possibly forever.”

He was right.

I’m fortunate enough to have found this outlet of writing to process my emotions.  But I realize that just because I’ve processed things doesn’t mean anyone else has.

So I can’t get frustrated when others are not ready when I am.  And I can’t hold anyone to any timelines, including my own.  When you’re ready, you’re ready.  Until then, I’ll love you through each effort forward, and each barrier back.

2.) Every Change Will Cause Some Form of Grief

A good friend recently posted that every change creates some sort of loss.  And every loss will likely cause some sort of grief.

I hear friends tell me they gain their strength from me.  “If you can get through what you’ve gotten through, then I can get through this.”

Flattering as it is, know that your grief can’t be stifled just because you want to be strong.  Our walks may be different, but that doesn’t mean your grief doesn’t require any less attention.

Own your needs.  They are there, and they will not go away until dealt with.  And however long that takes you is how long it takes you.  Timelines are for history, and rules are made to be broken.  Don’t hold yourself to fictional versions of either, whether created by yourself or someone else.  You’re too good to be held down by others’ opinions of how you need to live.

3.)  No One Really Knows How to Adult

No, really.  No one actually knows what they’re doing.  Everyone is just figuring it out as they go.

People ask me for advice a lot.  I imagine that will slow after reading this.  But lately, I say some version of this.

There is no adult on this earth that has been in this moment, at this time, with the current set of issues he/she faces on this day.  No one.  They might have faced one of the issues before.  But it was earlier in their lives.  They might have experienced this season before, but it wasn’t during this particular year.  They might have been through divorce, or sick parents, or marital un-bliss, or cancer, or rehab, or burned dinner, or bad potty training, or career jumps, or bad bosses, or late bills before.  But it wasn’t on this exact day of this exact year with this number of days and experiences behind them.  You with me?  No one really knows what they’re doing.

EVERYONE is just trying to figure it out, and pretend they know they’re way around the adult playground we call “life”.  Every single day.

Some give advice with more confidence in their voice.  “Oh, I just did this, and it worked great for me.”  I promise you the person behind that voice didn’t know what to do before he/she did it.  They were just wingin’ it.

“Oh, I’ve done a lot of research.”

Cool.  Again.  This person didn’t know whether it would work or not for themselves.  Although a bit more informed based on the information they chose, they were still just wingin’ it.

As you’re hopefully aware by now, I too am just wingin’ it.  I think a lot, and I ask a lot of questions.  But really, I’m no more convinced if I’m making the right call than anyone else.  No idea what I’ll stumble over, how successful I’ll be, or whether I’ll need to change my direction at some point.

What I do know is that I have values, and I have goals.  I know I’ll give it 1,001% of my effort.  And if it fails, I’ll stand back up, no matter what, and say, “Well, now I know.  What’s next?”

Aka, wingin’ it.

 

So, there you have it:  I can’t give myself a bunch of life rules.  I can’t hold other people accountable for my timelines and rules.  I made them up!  And I can’t promise I’ll always be in a position to play by the rules and timelines I’ve created.

Life changes.  The game changes.  So rules change too.

 

Death and Taxes.

 

Past that, we’re all just wingin’ it, and doing the best we know how.

To heck with rules.