Some days are a struggle, amirite?  Some days, it’s like a battle of “good cop” and “bad cop” has ensued inside my brain, one side doing anything to pulverize the other.  And there’s so much going on up there that one can’t think clearly, can’t process.  Sometimes one can’t even function and be reasonably productive.  Struggle bus.

For me, one of my long-term “gifts” from grief is the added doubts floating around in my head.  I’d never struggled with such things before – I was a stranger to the bullies of “crippling insecurity” and “negative self-talk”.  Actually, constructive criticism has always been my professional love language.  Every comment, positive or negative, I readily used to adapt and make myself better.  Even shadows of doubt I used as fuel for improvement.  I always wondered what people were talking about when they said, “Get your mind right.”  My mind was right, I thought.

But grief takes its toll in many unpredictable ways.  Over the past few years, I’ve let feedback fester, rather than support.  I’ve questioned myself more than I should.  So the anxiety-inducing inner bully of self-doubt I now understand, and have learned to overcome-ish.

There are many encouragers and cheerleaders out there to help fight back.  John is probably the most persistent, coming in a close second to my dad – the first to insist, “You can do anything you set your mind to.”

But I don’t like needing other people to build up my bucket of confidence.  Even moreso, I dislike admitting that.  So as much as I relish the encouraging words, I’ve realized I need to do something about these Doubty McDoubter voices inside.  Especially for particularly persistent or cruel words of doubt.  For those, I need to self-combat.

Image Source Here

Have you seen this image before?  It’s typically used in classrooms these days, to coach students on how to monitor their words to each other.  Many also use it as a way to monitor how they speak to each other on social media.  It’s a quick, easy, acronym that in itself encourages us to pause.

But I’ve been thinking: maybe this is a good tool to use for the person we talk to the most: ourselves.  For those particularly cruel things we hear that inner bully saying.

I’ve tested it out.  And it seems to work pretty well so far.  Here’s the example I’ve used it with most recently.  Brace yourself.  This is a particularly nasty remark from my inner self-bully.

Inner Ugly Voice:  You’re not naturally talented enough to succeed in a new career.

Yeah, my inner voice can be a real b!tch.  But if I apply the THINK idea to the statement above, maybe we can get to a good place.

T:  Is it true?

Well, in this case, that has yet to be proven as true or not true.  So as of right now, no, it’s not true.  Also, success is subjective, my natural talents are list-worthy, and anything I can’t do now I can certainly learn to do.

No, it’s not true.

Big, fat, red X on the first checkpoint.

H:  Is it helpful?

Sometimes feedback is helpful.  Sometimes it tells us specific ways to improve or tweak our craft.  In this case, it’s only providing doubt.  It is not providing any direction of how to improve or work towards success.  And it’s actually impeding my success by putting doubts in my head.

No, it’s not helpful.

Another big, fat, red X.

I:  Is it inspiring?

I think the intent here is for words to inspire others in a positive direction.  Like a cannonball propelling people into the air, or a really strong fan blowing someone in the right direction (bad metaphor, but the imagery makes me chuckle).

This could be towards personal growth, towards pursuing a personal passion, or simply in recognizing one’s own gifts.

In all honesty, this quote did partially inspire this blog post.  Partially.  And hopefully some good can come from that.

Yes, it is in some ways inspiring.

Half-hearted green check for this one.  *rolls eyes*

N:  Is it necessary?

As in, is it necessary to say.  At face value, this would be things like, “You’re on fire,” “You have a flat tire,” or “You have a bat in the cave.”  These are deemed as the obvious “necessaries” to say.  But what about the less obvious things?  Statements where we rationalize that no one else will say it, but you think someone needs to?  Or that without this particular opinion or experience we’d like to share, someone wouldn’t have the benefit of knowing our opinion or experience?*  Or maybe we want to reiterate a statement someone else says.  I have to default back to the H on this one… is it necessary AND helpful?

My sample statement is quite obviously not necessary.  And again, not helpful.

Big, fat, red X again.

*Note here:  Most people don’t care about your opinions or experiences.  They care about their own experiences.  If you tend to start sentences with, “Can I give you some advice…”, consider taking a rain check.  Case and point: Did you want that particular advice?  See my point?  

K:  Is it kind?

It’s in this last letter that we finally examine the intent of the words we hear.  And intent is quite easy to misinterpret.  Because what sometimes dictates how we interpret someone’s intentions is not necessarily their words, but rather, their tone.

This is quite possibly the most dangerous, downward, un-fun, spiral slide of them all.  Because if we let ourselves assume someone’s intent is always unkind, hurtful, or negative, we leave ourselves open to a lot of undue hurt.  This is where we have to stop interpreting, and take the words at their face value.  No matter what you tell yourself, you can never be absolutely sure of someone’s intentions.  You just can’t take yourself down that dark, dirty rabbit hole.  There’s no love down there.  Only pain.

Rather, look at the words as only words.  Were they kind?

This will be the toughest.  So I’ll go ahead and look at mine.

And when I look at only the words, exactly as they are on paper, they are not kind.  They share an opinion that I don’t have what it takes.  By any standard, that is not kind to say to anyone.

The last and final big, red X.

Now, using my handy little tool, I can now quickly tally that it does not meet ALL my necessary criteria.  Not even half.  The only positive I can take from it is that it inspired a long overdue blog post.  Past that, it has nothing else positive for me, my mind, my improvement, or my success.  So that nasty little bully statement gets thrown in the “Fahgetaboutit” pile.  Throw that slanderish lie away.  Peace. Out.

Maybe this tool is oversimplified.  Or maybe it’s over-complicated.  But for me, it seems to be working.

At least it makes my mind a safer place to be.  Without barriers, bullies, or bad mantras.  Now, I can get off the struggle bus, and back on the road to productivity.  And success.

Now I can feel safe again in my thinking.