Can I just be honest?  Just really, truly, brutally honest?

Besides the revolting pain of losing Chris, the thing that hurts almost as much is being the girl you’re afraid to talk to.  Being perceived by my situation, rather than by my persona.  Being perceived as “the girl who’s going through something horrible”, rather than just Katie.  I know that’s tough for some to read.  But I have to be blunt on this one.

I’m the girl that works to make everyone else feel at ease.  I’m the girl that adapts to be the missing piece in a group.  If there’s too much talking, I become a listener.  If there’s a lull in the conversation, I fill the void with self-deprecating humor.  If the group is a little too rambunctious, I shift to be the responsible one.  If a little more fun is needed, I’ll throw out “chubby bunny” as an option.  If I’m leading a workshop, my first priority is making sure we all feel comfortable, appreciated, and that we can speak freely.  It’s kind of “my thing”.  Along with excessive amounts of color-coding.

And I get this feeling that for some, your perception of that person has changed.  And I hate that.  Because I think others want to put me at ease, and others want to say the right thing for me.  Others want to build the bridge back for me by acknowledging their feelings for what I’m going through.  But without offending me.  Like they’re walking a delicate tightrope.  That kind of stinks.  For all of us.

Bad news, friends:  There is no “right” thing to say.  No words can be offered that will ease the pain, provide peace, or ease the burden like you intend.  Only time can do that, but you can’t provide that either.  I know everyone wants to say “the perfect thing”.  But take it from our eloquently spoken pastor:  there are absolutely no right words to say to a widow.

So I’m feeling the need to put the world at ease again.  I know, I know, I hear you out there saying, “That’s not your job, Katie!” and “Just do you!”  Well, I’m doing just that.  I’m going to put us all at ease, because that’s me doing me.  And I’m going to tell you exactly what to say to me when you don’t know what to say.

Please know that many of these may only be appropriate to say to me, and not necessarily all grieving widows.  Pick what works for you, the scenario, and our level of friendship/acquaintance-ship.  Also, if any of these come across sounding like pick-up lines, you’re reading them wrong.

• “It’s great to see you again!”

• “We’re going to dinner.  We’d love for you to join us if you’re free.”

• “So glad to see you back at work!  We missed you!”

• “You look great today!  I love that top!”

• “Seeing you always makes me happy.”

• “Do you have enough wine?”

• “I’m around this weekend.  Do you need someone to watch your dog for you?”

• “I have an extra Oreo milkshake here.  Would you like it?”

• “I’m headed to the shooting range this weekend.  Want to come?”

• “Nice job on….  It really made a difference.”

• “Those yoga pants are simply stunning on you.”

• “But seriously, do you have enough wine?”

• “I found an awesome kickboxing class.  You should try it with me!”

• “Do you need someone to check your smoke alarms?  I have a ladder/I’m freakishly tall.”

• “Want to see how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth at one time?”

• “Have you laughed today?  If not, let me tell you this awesome joke I just heard…”

• “Let’s go get a pedicure.”

• “I just went ahead and assumed you needed more wine.  Here you go.”

• “My spiritual gift is power-washing.  What’s a good day for me to come power-wash your house?”

• “I see you have plenty of wine.  Do you need someone to split that bottle with?”

• “This song/article/book/blog reminds me of you…Now that I’ve given it to you, I’m going to go away.”

• “I’m headed to Target.  Can I grab you anything?  Paper towels?  Dog food?  An extra shower curtain?”

• “You.  Look.  GREAT!”

• “What kind of smoothie can I get you?”

• “That pony-tail/no make-up look is so flattering.  You should do that every day.”

• “Ribs?  5:00pm?  Manning’s?”

• “Wanna see this cat/dog video?”

• “Can I give you a hug?  And then not linger after?  Is that cool?  I understand if it’s not.”

You get the picture.  When in doubt of what to say, start with the list above.  Because I don’t want to be the girl that you avoid.  That you’re afraid to say the wrong thing to, or afraid to offend.  I want you to feel at ease.  I want you to still talk to me.  And neither of us want to sit and wait while you drum up something “perfect” to say.  It gets awkward.  And I have enough awkward for a while.

And if none of the above fits our acquaintance-ship/friendship, we can always just start with a wave or a high-five.  Or a side-hug.