There’s this “Spouse’s Challenge” that’s been trending on Facebook.  You share pictures of you and your spouse, then challenge someone else to do it.  And I certainly don’t want to belittle the trend.  It’s a cute idea: a way to promote positive relations between husbands and wives.  Not so much to us living the single life and seeing the abundance of happy couples in our Facebook feed… but cute, nonetheless.  I might have even participated if Chris were still here.

But that’s what we do with social media.  We promote what we want others to see, and hide the things we don’t want others to see.  “Remember, you’re only seeing the highlights of someone else’s life,” are the words once used to explain the perception you get of others on social media.  I think this is why we – as wives, particularly – have this false sense of what marriage should look like.  Of what being a wife should be like.  Because we only show what we want others to see.  And so we don’t talk about what’s happening behind the pretty pictures.

There is a reality to marriage that we don’t like to talk about publicly.  It’s the parts that don’t always include smiles, vacations, laughter, and fun.  It’s the parts that aren’t adorable, video-worthy, or Instagram material.  It’s the stuff that makes marriage hard that we don’t publish, and hence don’t talk about.

But since my filter has dwindled over the last few months – and since I already addressed the men – it seems only fitting that I address this topic too.  Because wifin’ ain’t easy.  Being a wife is hard.  Being a wife is about much, much more than creating the perfect picture.  It’s about what happens before and after that perfect picture is taken.  Case and point…The picture above is the perfect shot, right?  Facebook, Instagram, and blog-worthy.  It says, “Come with me!  Let’s go!  To the most romantic spot in the world…”  Yeah.

When this picture was taken, we were both exhausted, irritable, hungry, snapping at each other, and really just checking sites off of our list.  In fact, Chris’ exact words as he took this picture were, “This looks ridiculous.  I’m not taking this picture.  No.  Grrrr.  Fine.  And then we’re leaving.”  And then the scam artists started flocking to us.  And our French baguettes were over-priced and under-whelming.  And we’re in this picture-perfect spot, in the most romantic city in the world, but we’re annoyed, tired, dissatisfied, and over it.

But you wouldn’t know that from the picture.  Because the picture just shows the way we think it should look in our heads; not how it is in real life.

And to be fair, I was not a perfect wife.  I have flaws and imperfections that will probably always be a work in progress.  But I did have an amazing marriage.  And I did learn a lot about how to make a marriage work, and how to make a great life together, and how to live with someone and still enjoy being with them.  So from that perspective, I’ll tell you what I know.  And maybe add in a few things I wish I had done differently.  As always, take from it what you will.

How to Be a Wife, and Still Love Him

1.)  Come to the understanding with yourself that you are not always right.  You probably do know a better way that those clothes could be folded.  But every time you correct him, you’re crushing him.  Let it go.

2.)  Every once in a while, cook breakfast for him before he gets up.  When a man wakes up to the smell of bacon, it can really change the day.

3.)  Never complain about the size of your engagement ring.  Never.

4.)   Learn your husband’s love language.

5.)  If he has favorite outfits on you, reserve those outfits for date nights.

6.)  Promote him.  Every chance you get.  Especially if he’s a business owner or provides a service to others.  Promote, promote, promote.  Don’t be ashamed.  Others will pick up on the fact that you don’t promote your husband and/or his business.  And isn’t that more shameful?

7.)  Support him having a guys’ night every now and then.  He needs it just as much as you need a night with the girls.

8.)  Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.”  And mean it.

9.)  When he takes time to explain something to you, take time to listen.  Ask questions.  Don’t assume you’ll have time later to get clarification.  You might not.  And if he’s taking time to explain, it’s probably something you need to know.

10.)  Learn to love some of the things he loves.  For me it was football, basketball, and action movies.  I definitely don’t love all football, or basketball.  And I don’t love all action movies.  But I did learn to love them enough that we could enjoy some of it together.  I also tried golf.  Once.  “You tried,” was Chris’ response after.  And the fact that I tried was enough to make him happy.

11.)  Take a minute on your anniversaries to discuss the past year.  What were the best things that happened?  What were you most proud of for yourself?  For your spouse?  In your marriage?  If you could make one improvement in your marriage for the next year, what would it be?  Then make a goal to improve.  Because your marriage and your needs change over time.  You’re never “done” working on your marriage.  Ever.

12.)  If you expect him to take on a healthier lifestyle, try it for yourself first.  Or at least be willing to tackle it with him.  Then see #23.

13.)  If he’s man enough to take a chance on an honest opportunity, support him.  Cheer him on.  Take things off of his plate of responsibilities if needed.

14.)  When you fight, fight fair.  Don’t bring up the past.  Don’t say things just to be hurtful.  Don’t call him names.  Focus on the topic.  If something is bugging you, confront it respectfully.  Ask if he has a solution before you force a solution on him.

15.)  At least make an attempt to save money at the grocery store, Christmas shopping, clothes shopping, etc.  Money does matter.  And it can run out.

16.)  Also, make an attempt at taking care of your car.  And being a responsible driver.  (Yes, I can hear the chuckles now.  I have some room to grow…)

17.)  Talk positively about your husband to others.  Yes, we all have pet peeves and things that annoy us.  And it is nice to know that our girlfriends have similar struggles with their husbands.  But at the end of the day, it’s not their business.  That’s material for you and your husband to discuss.  Stick to the good stuff with friends.  And definitely when talking to family.

18.)  Self-confidence isn’t built by one person.  It’s built by lots of people.  So take time to tell your husband how much you appreciate him.  Leave him notes at work, in his car, or on the mirror, where ever.  Tell him how much you appreciate the hard work he puts in to provide for your family.  Praise his work ethic, perseverance, or some task he’s done recently.  Tell him how proud you are to be his wife.  I didn’t do this enough.  But the times I did, I swear Chris had an inner glow for days afterward.  He walked with a different swagger.  He worked even harder.  And made me even prouder to be his wife.

Side note here:  If you’re not building up your husband, and someone else does, emotionally that person may start to replace you.  Because he will seek out those that appreciate him.  Think about it- wouldn’t you rather your husband seek you out for appreciation and affirmation, rather than another woman?  

19.)  Learn to recognize and appreciate the different ways he shows his love and adoration for you.  They might not all be your love language, and that’s okay.  He is showing you love how he knows best.  And it means just as much to him as your love language would to you.  Recognize.

20.)  When you start working 12 to 13 hours a day, and have to take significant time away from your family, re-evaluate.  Did you marry your job or your husband?  A very wise friend once taught me:

“When it comes to using your time, you’re going to have to cheat on something:  your job or your family.  There’s just not enough time in the day to dedicate adequate time to both.  Which one would you rather cheat on?”

21.)  When your husband goes in for surgery and has to be out of work for several weeks, take time off, too.  Be there to take care of him.  Even if you have the opportunity of a lifetime to present at some big conference.  Choose your husband.  Let someone else do the conference.  Or just tell them you can’t do it.  Because those moments you have with him are moments you’ll never get back.  And when this road of life is all over, you’ll want to remember more time with your family than with a group of strangers at a conference.  No matter how awesome it seems at the moment.  Choose your husband over your job.  Every.  Single.  Time.

22.)  Make some of his dreams come true too.  Or at least get out of the way.

And here’s the big one.  The one some of y’all do not want to read.  That some of you will still refuse to do.  But I will share anyway.  Because this one is the KEY to creating a great marriage.

23.)  Ladies, I am a Type A personality.  There is no question.  And I married a man who was also a Type A personality.  Two Type A’s do not make an A+ relationship.  Unless you work at it.  So trust me, I know your struggle.  But this is absolutely, without a doubt, how to make it work.

Wives:  stop talking.  Just stop.  Stop demanding he do things your way.  Stop telling him he is wrong.  Stop demanding your opinion be heard.  Stop complaining, explaining, reminding, and lecturing.  Because it doesn’t matter how it sounds to you.  It matters how it sounds to him.  And to him, it is nagging.  So just stop.  And try this instead.

For one month, stop bugging him.  Stop putting in your opinion.  Stop explaining another way.  Instead, keep your mouth shut.  Just say, “It’s up to you.”  Don’t put in your opinion.  Let him make the decisions.

For the first few weeks, he will make decisions on his own.  And he will be happy.  You’ll see his shoulders raise.  You’ll see his posture change.  You won’t agree sometimes with the decisions he makes.  It’s okay.  You’ll survive.  But you will see him change.

And then, out of the blue one day, he’s going to ask your opinion.  Be careful how you respond.  This isn’t your opportunity to lay out your entire dissertation on the matter.  This is your opportunity to provide one small sentence of an opinion.  “What do YOU want to do?”  Then say, “I like that idea.  I might prefer this way.  But I trust your decision.”  And stop there, with that last key phrase.  That you trust…

And then it will happen again.  And again.  And eventually, he will truly want your opinion.  Eventually, your opinion will be the one he actually wants, and that doesn’t cut him down.  Eventually, you will be equal decision-makers in the family.

But you have to stop talking first.

I know it’s hard.  I did it myself.  I recognize the struggle.  But ladies, I swear.  Stop talking and just listen.  Because it builds him up.  It shows him he is respected and trusted to be the decision-maker.  It shows him he is worthy of this job he was called to do.  Anything else says otherwise.  And there is nothing more heart-breaking than a man whose respect has been stripped away by his wife.  If you want to be married to a man, let him be the man.

Trust me on this one.  That’s the real spouse’s challenge.  That’s the marriage worth celebrating and promoting.  And that’s what will make your marriage real, and wonderful.  Both in front of the cameras and behind them.