I hate feeling like I’m being judged.  I hate wondering if someone out there thinks I’m laughing too much, going out with friends too much, taking action too soon.  I admitted to a friend recently that it could all be in my head–that there’s no one actually judging me at all.  Maybe it comes from being a Southerner, and knowing that there’s always someone watching, analyzing, and discussing your life as their gossip dujour.

Did you know that everyone goes through at least one truly traumatic experience in their life?  Everyone gets knocked down at least one good time.  I learn this more and more, as people share their stories with me, admit their background to me, even confide in me.  Because now we know we’re going through something horrible together.  Now, friends feel safe telling me the things that they were afraid I’d judge them for before.  Because I’m going through something horrible too.  And judgement is something I obviously have no time for.  Did you know this is actually my 3rd – maybe even 4th – time getting knocked down in life?  You wouldn’t.  Like you, I don’t share those things if I don’t have to.  Until now.  Until it happens with the whole world watching.

So here I am anyway.  I’m the girl that stood back up.  I’m the girl that got knocked down, brushed herself off, and got back on her feet.  I’m the girl who is making “survival” look more like living.

Did you know that’s what Chris wanted?  He knew me when he married me.  He knew I was strong-willed, direct, and driven.  Just like him.  It’s what we loved about each other.  Our ambition and drive acted as fuel for the other one.  But we were also best friends.  We knew each other inside and out.  And I still know exactly what he would say, no matter what I say and do.  I can hear his voice in my head, heckling me, advising me, “Katie!”-ing me.  Not one action I’ve taken would surprise him.  Most, I can almost guarantee, he probably would have even predicted.

And here’s what you need to know.  The reason I need the judgers to step back.  The reason I stood back up.

I have a plan.  

I’ve known exactly what I needed to do for quite a while.  I have a clear-as-day vision of the path I need to take.  In both the short-term and the long-term.  It’s not even a question.  It’s more of a commitment.  A conviction to live out a legacy.  To be sure this isn’t the unfortunate ending to my perfect fairy tale, but rather an unanticipated Part 2.

Don’t bother asking me what it is.  I love you all, especially the supporters and those that love me unconditionally.  But my business is my business until I determine otherwise.  I know that feels like a tease, and for that I do apologize.  But I want you to know I’m not just sashaying through this without a purpose.

I’m not merely surviving.  I am living.

I’m not merely making it.  I’m making it matter.

I’m not just doing what I want.  I’m doing what I know I need to do.

I’m not looking back at memories to dwell on what I’ve lost.  I’m looking to learn, and plan for where I am now.  And for what’s ahead.

I am the girl who stood back up because I know where I need to go.  I know exactly what I need to do.  I will not let this be the end of the story.  I will not just let this be about loss, and grief, and what might have been.  I will make this matter.  I will make us matter.  And I will make sure my husband’s legacy is not a dream I never tackled, but a vision I make a reality.  I will not be knocked down forever.  I will continue building the life and the legacy.  I will stand back up if for no other reason than to honor Chris.

The Band Perry just released a song called “Comeback Kid”.  All the words don’t fit perfectly.  I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like I’m “better” because of this.  And I certainly don’t think that I’ve been “given more” by losing Chris.  But when the bridge and chorus hits…I turn those speakers back up to 10.

“Comeback Kid”, The Band Perry