Alright, I know, that title is a little harsh.  Forgive me.  But bare with me and see if maybe you don’t agree on a few of my points…

A lot of people have commented recently on how hard they know the holidays will be on me.  I tend to get defensive when people tell me how I will or won’t feel in certain situations.  But in this case, I have to admit they’re right.

Chris absolutely loved Christmas.  It was his favorite time of year.  And every decoration, Christmas carole, and unfortunate radio repeat of “The Christmas Shoes” reminds me of his joy and love of the season.  And I do miss him, and our Christmas traditions…painfully so.

But by the time Christmas was over, Chris always felt a little…disenchanted.  Sometimes even disappointed.  Because there was so much stuff and doing and bustle, he never felt we had time to just enjoy the season.  His absolute favorite part of Christmas was spending time with family.  And yet, he never felt like we were able to do enough of it.  It weighed on him.  And sometimes even drained him a little.  Because the stuff and the doing and the bustle took away from what he loved most about the most wonderful time of the year.  And made it less wonderful.  To him, it was like that first box of Christmas tree cakes:  you look so forward to it all year, eat the whole box in one sitting, and then are left feeling less satisfied and more…dispirited.  Like we somehow missed the magic of the moment.

The reality is that we all love something different about the holidays.  We all have different perceptions of what it should (and shouldn’t) look like.  And when the holidays don’t fit the picture we painted in our heads, we all wake up December 26 feeling like the kid who was left with the half-eaten sugar cookie.

I anticipate some will be less than thrilled with my perspective.  That’s okay.  That’s really the point… that we all get to have an opinion.  This is just my perspective, from enjoying 10 happily married Christmases with Chris, and my take-aways from it.

1.)  You don’t have to go to every event and party.

Some people really do enjoy the hustle and bustle of Christmas.  That’s awesome – cheers to you!  But others just…don’t.  And if we’re not careful, we could book every single evening from Thanksgiving to New Year’s with a different event, party, or outing.  Friends, that is exhausting.   Bustle and hustle is not Christmas to everyone.  If it doesn’t add to the Christmas spirit for you, or if you’re going out of guilt, reconsider.  The best moments of the holidays are sometimes the quiet ones at home, smelling the remnants of a burnt cinnamon cookie and getting the stickiness from a candy cane stuck in awkward places on your face…again.

2.)  Don’t focus on the stuff.

Unfiltered Katie here:  I get a lot of joy out of surprising someone with the perfect, unexpected gift.  But these days, I’m just not sure that happens all that often.  I’ve gotten to the point I’d rather just give people a pack of gum or a gift card to the gas station.  Because I know it is both wanted and will be used.  Gift-giving is hard.  For some, gifts are their love language:  both giving and receiving.  And for them, gifts are the best part of Christmas.  But there’s a large portion of our friends and family that don’t see gifts as an act of love, but rather an obligation of the season.  Doesn’t that stink?  Doesn’t that just kill everyone’s Christmas spirit?   Don’t let it ruin it for everyone.  Just recognize that everyone doesn’t love the gift part.  And if you’re a lover of gifting, keep the focus on giving with purpose, rather than adding to someone’s collection of stuff.

Chris always kept charitable giving a priority throughout the year, but particularly during the holidays.  Most people don’t know this, but last year, Chris made a goal of giving in a bigger way than we ever had.  Instead of giving to just our church and to our normal charities for the season, he gave a sum of money to every single church in the town of Knightdale.  Giving with purpose.  He was amazing like that.

3.)  Know what kindles your holiday spirit, then make that your priority.

It is such a horrible feeling to get to the end of the year and feel like you missed Christmas yet again.  Because you now have to wait another year to do it better the next time around.  It’s disappointing, disenchanting, and just kind of … gloomy.

For Chris, he loved spending time with family and friends most.  So he made sure that was our priority.  In fact, one of our favorite things to do was to visit some of his clients.  We spent a day or two just before Christmas Eve visiting and spending a few minutes with some of his clients at their homes.  Chatting, eating homemade cookies, laughing, and just enjoying the company.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I enjoyed it so much, I’m continuing the tradition this year, on my own.  And that’s what Chris would want.

But along with that, I have a lot of decisions to make this year.  How to spend my time, how to decorate, and how to learn to enjoy the season…without Chris.  And that means I have to make some sacrifices.  Because I too have multiple invitations awaiting my rsvp.  And sadly, I cannot say yes to them all.  I love cookies, and tacky Christmas sweater parties, and Christmas parades, and sometimes even gift exchanges.  But I can’t do it all. Please don’t be offended I don’t choose you.  Right now, I have to choose me.

4.)  Don’t forget about those that are alone.

Let me preface by saying that, yes, I do have plans for the holidays.  Lots and lots and lots of plans.  I know that sounds like I’m not following my own Rule #1 above, but at the moment, I need to have lots of plans for the tough times.  So I’m taking the initiative to do all the things I want to do.  This year.  But there’s a lot of years ahead.  So…

Don’t forget about those that are alone.  Don’t assume they all have plans with a good neighbor or with family.  Don’t assume anything, including assuming that you know how they feel.  Reach out to say hi, that you’re thinking of them, invite them over.  Just don’t forget about them.  One of the most heartbreaking things I read and realized quickly to be true of widowhood is this:

It’s not the fear of being alone.  It’s the fear of being forgotten.

Doesn’t that tear you up like it does to me?  It’s painful to fathom.  And I can tell you… it is horribly, painfully, true.

So, Katie, does that mean we should still send you a Christmas card?

Yes!  Yes!  A thousand times, YES!!!  I still want you to send me Christmas cards.  Because it means I’m still loved and thought of, and you want to share how your family is doing.  Yes, keep me on the Christmas card list.  I know some of you think that seeing other people’s happiness is too painful.  But, (1) that is an assumption on your part, and (2) the small amount of pain of seeing another’s happiness is tiny compared to the pain of being forgotten.

Consider anyone you know that’s living alone this Christmas, including older relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even acquaintances.  Don’t let them feel forgotten.

5.)  Stop trying to make every moment perfect, and focus on simply being with those you love.

Anything that involves sugar and Scotch tape and family members and cooking large birds and fireworks and the truth about Santa and strands of blinking lights…will never turn out perfect.  If you’ve managed some year to have a perfect holiday season – no feelings hurt, no casseroles burned, no bow unraveled, and no ornament broken – I’d like to politely ask you to go away.  You are not my friend.

Christmas was not meant to be a season of perfection.  It was meant to be a season about love, and birth, and forgiveness.  Remember Jesus?  The lovely gentleman who died so that all of our bad decisions could be forgiven?  In the spirit of Christmas, I’ll forgive those with no mishaps during the holidays.  But for the rest of us…I’ll take my mishaps that turned into the best holiday memories.

Like the year I was so proud that I’d found Chris the perfect gift of an NC State watch, only to be heckled after, because he already had a watch that he loved.  And the year our best friends really did buy a Griswold-esque Christmas tree that took over their entire living room.  And the year we got stuck at Applebee’s for 4 hours on our way to the mountains, waiting for a replacement vehicle.  And the year we had Christmas for our family at our house, and made Christmas spaghetti instead of a giant bird.  And the year we dropped a styrofoam ball from our balcony with our friend’s 4-year-old, so that she could (repeatedly) count down, yell “Happy New Year”, and celebrate New Year’s with us.  And the numerous holiday events Chris and I declined, just so we could stay in and make it through the entire Harry Potter series before Christmas Day.

Those are the memories that stick with me, the memories I cherish.  My ornaments are well-placed, but that’s not what matters most.  I do take unfortunate amounts of pride in my bows, but that’s not what matters most.  My butterscotch cookies are delectable, but that’s not what matters most.

What matters is who we’re with, and how we love them.  What matters is that we spend time cherishing those we love.  What matters is that we spend time in the moments, rather than absorbed by the stuff.  What matters is that we reach out to others and love others.  Without guilt, without obligation, but purely, simply, without reservation…love.  An afternoon with those you love is more precious than any amount of parades or parties.  Because the holidays can be magical.  And when you look back on all of your Christmases and Thanksgivings and Hanukkahs and New Years’, you’ll remember the love more than the stuff.  You’ll remember the people more than the places.  And you’ll always remember how you felt.

Spend the time where it matters.  And maybe we’ll get through this holiday season feeling like the kid who scored a whole plate of fresh from the oven sugar cookies…and then took the time to savor it.