Ladies, I feel the need to clarify some things.  There’s so few of us on this particular path.  And as I’m apparently the leader on it (yes, I cringed just typing that), I think I need to be explicit on a few points.  Because there is a code amongst us girls.  That we tell each other when we have toilet paper on our shoe.  That we warn a sister if that hot guy at the bar is actually married.  That we signal each other when we need to take our attitude down a notch.  It’s just…the code.  So, I’m continuing to follow the code.  Because I heart my girls. Y’all are the glue keeping me together.  And I need us to be real with each other.  Because y’all are real with me.  You hold me accountable.  You call me on my crazy.  And you’re there for me when I need you.

There are so many of my girls not pictured above.  Just because you don’t see your fabulous face doesn’t mean I’m not talking to you, too.  I just couldn’t get my hands on a picture of us.  If we’ve ever shared a connection, this is just as much for you…

Here is what I desperately need my girls to know.

To my sassy, single girl friends:

So how about that single life, eh?  It’s like its own little Pandora’s box of wonderful surprises and awkward conversations.  To be honest, I probably would have had very different words than the following before I walked in these shoes myself.  But now, I have a better appreciation for life on the single road.  So here it is:

1.)  Love yourself.

Love everything about yourself.  Make your life exactly as you picture it.  If that includes a relationship, so be it.  But if not, live and love yourself as you are.  But be sure that loving yourself includes loving on others too.  Single life seems like an absolute island.  But it’s not.  We’re impacting others every day, even in the tiniest ways, even when we don’t think we are.  So love yourself something fierce.  Then find ways to love others too.

2.)  If a relationship makes you complete, make it with someone that makes you better.

I have a unique opportunity to reflect back on the love I had, as I observe the rest of the love stories and relationships around me.  It is torturous and enlightening.  All I ask is that you don’t settle.  Find a love that brings more life to your life than you can bring yourself.  Find a love that empowers you.  Find a love that reminds you what it means to be a human being.  Love someone enough to compromise, so that you both can be better because of it.  Find a love that makes you want to grow old with someone.  Don’t settle.  But don’t be annoyingly nit-picky either.  Either you’ve found someone that you’re willing to overlook the necessary faults with, or you haven’t.  Because they’ll have to overlook your faults too.

Find someone who makes the faults worth it.

To my marvelous, married girl friends:

To be honest, I miss Chris more than I miss being married.  That’s not a knock on marriage.  I just miss Chris that much more.  So, if we were to sit down over coffee (wine) and you were to ask me what I desperately needed you to know, here is what I would say.

1.)  Once you bury your husband, you can do anything.

I know that’s tough to read.  But believe me, it’s tougher to live it.  It is the toughest thing one can ever do.  It is heart-wrenching everyday to know that this is your path.  No matter how put together and strong I look, it is horribly painful every single day.  Sometimes it even hurts to breathe.  Sometimes it takes me 10 minutes just to remember to grab my keys.

But knowing that I’ve done this, and that I’m still standing, and still surviving, is empowering in itself. I lived the nightmare.  And I’m standing up after.  It makes me want to shout at the world, “Come at me, bro!   Bring it!”  Because what can possibly scare me now?  Lightning?  Pffft.  Sickness?  Ha!  Scammers?  Whatev.  I walked through the nightmare that every wife fears.  You can’t scare me.

Sidenote:  A glimpse of dating in my 30’s comes in a close second to the worst things I could experience.  So there’s that.

Ladies, it breaks my heart to say this next thing to you.  Because again, I would never wish this on anyone.  Even though I’ve lived it, I still cannot dream of this happening to you.  I cannot imagine any one of my girls going through this.  And although you would never admit it to me, I know some are even thinking, “I’m glad it’s not me.”  Because if I were in your shoes, that’s what I would be thinking.

So if I’m the first person to break this news to you, I am truly, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, so so sorry.  Because I don’t want to tell you this.  I don’t want you to ever feel the pain I’m going through.  But…

2.)  It’s likely going to happen to you.

If you are married, your marriage will end in one of two ways.  If it does not end via the d-word, there’s only one other way that it can.  And statistically – because you know how much I love statistics – the men typically go first.  So ladies, my dear, sweet, wonderful girlfriends, this is more than likely going to happen to you.

It may not happen in the same way.  And it may be years or decades down the road.  But it also may be tomorrow.  I know that seems unlikely – that multiple people within the same circles could lose their husbands so young.  But keep in mind that both of the sisters of my step-sister and her husband lost their husbands in their 30’s, both without kids.  This is something you have no control over.  It could happen anytime.  At the most absurd time.  But it is probably going to happen, sometime.

Please know, friends, I feel so much pain to break that news to you.

And last, but of the utmost importance, to both single and married…

3.)  Your grief process will look different from mine.

I recently attended a “Grief Share” class with my church.  Of the 20 or so people in the room, no two people were experiencing grief in the same way.  Of the people I’ve met on this journey, even those that have lost their spouses, no one’s process has been the same as mine, nor anyone else’s.  Everyone experiences grief in a different way.

Some of you read my blogs with a silent expectation that my reactions and thoughts and feelings could be your reactions and thoughts and feelings if/when the inevitable happens.  And in some cases, some of that might be true.  But it won’t be the same.

You might travel through stages faster or slower.  You might sit in one stage of grief for years.  You might grieve with more or less wine.  You might spend more or less days in bed, refusing to leave the comfort of your sheets to face the day.  You might sell your house and move entirely.  You might decide it’s time to go sky-diving.  You might spend more or less time sitting in your spouse’s old t-shirts.  You might spend more or less time with other widows, and with support groups.  You might spend more time crying.  You might spend more time laughing.  You might burn every memory you ever had, or you might create a scrapbook of your every year together.  You might dye your hair fifty shades of grey and take up erotic painting.  Who knows?!

My point is this, friends:

You will likely go through this.  You will experience it differently than I have, and that is absolutely okay.  There is no expectation.  There is no benchmark.  There is only YOU and how YOU deal.  But most importantly, you will make it to the other side.

And when you need a hug, a glass of wine, an ear, or someone to stare off into space with… you know I’m your girl.

Love you, girls!  Every single one of you!  Hugs to the moon and back!

Am I the only one crying?